Sharp Numbness
by MakoRain
Summary: Tifa's past memories and emotions have come back to haunt her...as she takes her pain to the next level, can Cloud save her in time? First of Tifa depressed series
1. The Beginning

A/N: This is one of my darker sides of humanity represented in this story…it does happen, and I was thinking that Tifa, with all of her past baggage, would eventually break. Here's my interpretation of how that would happen…tell me if you agree/disagree, like/dislike, whatever…feedback is always welcomed and appreciated; now more than ever since this is my first 'dark' fic. Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII or any of its characters…yet (winks)

_On a side note: this fic was not intended to be confusing but looking back at it, it could be since it tends to jump around. I'll try to help you out when needed so you can follow the storyline as much as possible._

"**Sharp Numbness"**

**By MakoRain**

Chapter One: The Start

_Now_

Tifa Lockheart looked at her face in the mirror and did not like anything she saw. Frown lines were creasing her mouth, the lack of sleep was catching up to her in the forms of bags under her eyes, and she was so pale to the point of translucence. With a sigh she opened the medicine cabinet, pulling out a bottle of Vicadine; it was her favorite as of yet from her previous pill popping episodes, so smooth and rich when in full effect.

She needed this to numb herself from the world that she no longer cared to live in. A gulp of vodka helped the medication go down with a kick and she shivered, not completely used to the potent combination but wanting to give it a go nonetheless. Just another start to another seemingly endless day…one of the few she had left.

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She had started with cutting; it had started with an accident, really….one small cut broke through.

_Then_

Tifa stood behind the counter at Seventh Heaven putting freshly washed mugs back in their place on a shelf when she carelessly knocked her hand into one glass in her rush and sent it crashing to the countertop, shards exploding every where.

Tifa closed her eyes in expectance of the sudden impact and opened them again to see the mini scattering of glass all over. Quickly she brushed it aside and pricked her finger, just one prick but it made her stop in her tracks and looked at the sliver, so small and fragile. It looked so innocent and pure, even with the blood welling into the wound, caressing the piece's place in her fingertip. Tifa watched slightly in awe at the moment before pulling the glass out and tossing it in the trash with the rest of the broken pieces.

That had been an accident…but the next time was questionable. After getting a taste, one would wonder if Tifa innocently nicked her wrists or if she consciously or ever subconsciously caused the action to occur. She told herself it was an accident, she didn't mean to hurt herself on purpose…lying to yourself never makes the problem go away, just hides it for a time.

Tifa was chopping vegetables with a decent size kitchen knife for a vegetable stew when she thought she heard a noise and turned abruptly. A bite of metal into flesh told her something was not right and she watched as a razor thin line of blood blossomed on her arm. The pain faded quickly and she watched, fascinated with the crimson against the paleness of her skin. Testing a thought, she carefully drew the blade across a fresh piece of skin, emitting a gasp of pain before watching the blood well up. Satisfied, Tifa turned back to making another lonely dinner for herself.

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_In between then and now_

One by one her friends started to disappear, spreading throughout the surrounding territories in the Planet. Now the only ones remaining in Midgar were herself and Cloud after Barret decided to take both Marlene and Denzel to live with him; those two were inseparable. How could she refuse? Barret was Marlene's foster father after all; they were the only family either had left in this world.

But life without the children had become harder and harder…especially without Cloud. Oh, he'd been there for the kids on a daily basis but never stayed over, always returning to his precious church. At last Tifa'd had enough; she needed to know something and for once she would speak her mind.

"Cloud, why do you go there? Why don't you stay here with the kids?"

After receiving silence she had turned her back to him and sighed. "With me?"

If he had heard her he never let on, instead intent on her question.

"I just need some time, Teef."

Her heart sank to hear those words. "Time."

Surprisingly he had hugged her before leaving, his face in her hair as his arms wrapped around her waist from behind. In a glimpse the moment was gone and she leaned into him before he could let it go and end it all as he always did. And he always left her with less of herself.

So with no friends, no children, no Cloud, what did that make Tifa? Lonely first of all but she was strong willed and kept her business up and running. Seventh Heaven grew in profits while Strife Delivery Service died in the water with Tifa no longer taking care of it and Cloud never reclaiming the responsibility.

She put everything she had into her work, helping customers, serving drinks, listening to drunks…that was her life. But what kind of life is that, really? Tifa pondered over this and the more she thought about life, the more memories of what she had lost in her mere existence crept in, eating away at her hope and faith that it would all work out in the end until she needed it to stop, she had to make it stop.

After the weak liquor of a couple drinks failed to cloud her mind, she'd turned to her wrists. Taking a box cutter from Cloud's office (since he wasn't using it) Tifa went to her room and sat on the windowsill, playing with the tool in her hand. She clicked the mechanism until its blade extended to a desirable length and watched the sun's last rays glint on the metal's sharp point. Carefully, she drew the blade across her skin, a hiss of pain escaping her lips; she was not used to this yet. Pulling back she observed her work and watched the blood coagulate on the fresh wound, eyes wandering to her other marks of before. Two ivory white thin lines could be seen from her "accident" with the kitchen knife and she smiled before going back to work on her skin, a clean canvas just waiting to be decorated.

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_Later then_

At first it was just a heart here and a star there, trailing beams across her wrist until it grew into swirls wrapping around and around, taking hold of her skin. Soon her pale canvas was adorned with delicate ivy, blooming roses, raindrops, moons, intricate symbols, anything and everything she could imagine. Tifa had to pace herself after learning the hard way about blood loss catching up to her when she fainted the first couple of times from over excitement and exertion. . She had learned her lesson and did only one section at a time to keep that from happening again.

All of this was to feel, but Tifa got to the point of not caring. It was the last mark she made on her body…a small wolf done right where she could see the veins meet on the underside of her wrist. She had saved this spot for something special and one day it came to her. Sun sparkling off of her ring that lay on the desk, she began to work the wolf's form, shaping his intelligent eyes, adding the fur, setting the mouth. On instinct, she inscribed underneath C.S., barely visible if you didn't know where to look.

Suddenly, all of the memories caught up with her; she had been trying so hard to block out those of Cloud that now they smothered her, released full force onto her unwilling mind. She needed it to stop and with each cut its pain overtook until she was oversensitive to everything: sounds, light, touch…and she just wanted it all to go away. No more feeling, just an empty numbness was what she craved; living in a bar made this easily done.

Perfecting her screwdrivers had been an accomplishment with each drink in the morning….and then those that soon followed in the afternoons and evenings. Each swallow of liquor burned at first and almost made her stop trying; she wanted to feel nothing especially not this burning of fire down her throat. Soon enough it did the trick and with each drink a comforting numbness wrapped her in its clouded embrace. The pills soon after helped distort it all to a great degree, easing her mind to a point that functioning was not an option so she would close Seventh Heaven for the high times. Some people complained but not enough to change her mind and so business slowed considerably but Tifa didn't care, as long as she couldn't feel then it didn't exist. Nothing, this store, this town and the people in it, her body, her life, mattered anymore and that's when she decided, if it didn't matter, than why try going on?

_Now_

A steady rain fell outside of Seventh Heaven and inside Tifa Lockheart was nursing the latest of her many gin and tonics, watching the rain bead down the glass of the main window. Tifa looked at her latest and last work of art on her arm and smiled sadly…it was her leaving note from this world. _Into the rainfall, end it all._

She moved behind the bar to retrieve her variety of pills, deciding which one to take. Screw it, she took some of each and downed them with the liquor, mixing in a nice disorienting numbness around the room. She had always wanted to die when it was raining, maybe to make her feel like at least the sky was mourning her death; she just knew that it was raining today…and today was as good as any. As her vision blurred and the ground rushed to meet her, Tifa thought she saw something but maybe it was just the drugs making her delusional. It didn't matter anyway; she would never wake up to find out.


	2. The End

Chapter Two: The End

Darkness crept into the tavern as the setting sun's light disappeared below the horizon, and Cloud Strife stood immobile at the door. How long had it been since he'd dropped by to just say hello? Too long, and now he could not go on without seeing her. Tifa hadn't called him in a while and that bothered Cloud more than he'd like it to. Leaving should have put all of those feelings in the past but he just couldn't stop caring about the girl…the girl he'd grown up with and learned to love.

Tifa was a very private person and so the first thought Cloud had was to knock, but he didn't want to bring attention to himself right away, he was afraid he'd panic and run before even seeing her. Breathing deeply, he stood at the door, willing his hand to place it on the knob. It swung freely open under Cloud's touch and he watched it with curiosity…why wouldn't she lock the door? The sign said Closed and so she should have locked up by now, Cloud stepped carefully into the room, looking around to see of any possible danger and after sweeping the room found nothing.

No Tifa at all…something wasn't right here. He listened carefully for any kind of sound above and hearing nothing, he moved towards the hallway on his way to the stairs. Cloud heard something then, a small hiss of air that seemed to come from somewhere behind…the…counter. His eyes landed on a fallen figure, so pale and small that it couldn't be…but when he reached her side he knew it was Tifa. Her arms were cut and her face so white, leaning closer Cloud listened for a heartbeat and sighed with relief to hear it, faint but still there. Instantly, he took her in his arms and carried her up to her room, waiting endlessly for her to wake up.

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The room swam and dove when she next opened her eyes, trying unsuccessfully to focus on her surroundings. Rain fell somewhere far away and an odd thought struck her. _Does it rain when you're dead? _Is this heaven or hell…not being able to see anything made it hard to tell. Slowly, moonlight filled the space and Tifa sat up carefully, feeling something beneath her give way at her actions. When everything stopped moving, she was able to focus on the unearthly glow spilling in from outside where she could see through her window that it was indeed raining.

_Why am I still here? How did I get to my room?_ The questions swirled around her head until she placed her head in her hands, trying to silence the unwanted inquiries. Tifa moved gradually until she reached her bedroom window and opening it, sat on the sill. So she had failed at life…and now she had failed at death. She just wanted it all to go away, this unneeded existence was never ending and she wanted it all just to be done now.

The rain still fell and mist sprayed onto her arms, bringing her attention to her last work there that seemed to glow unnaturally in the moonlight. Into the rainfall, end it all…she was still her…which means she had another try. Thinking this through deliberately, Tifa rose from the windowsill and walked out into the night. The roof was slick beneath her feet but she moved on easily; it was not her first time on this roof. No, even now the memories returned to her…Cloud would sit by her side on starlit nights watching the moon in its eerie glow, not saying much but she didn't mind. Words could ruin so many things and she didn't want to talk, to spoil what they had.

The rain soaking through her clothes brought Tifa back to the here and now, on the roof a couple stories above the ground beneath her. Maybe if she ran and jumped off…that would add more impact when she hit the ground, giving her a better chance of dieing instead of just really hurting like hell. Tifa moved back closer to the window and pushed off to run, gaining speed until-

"Tifa."

She slide to a stop, toes dangling over the edge at Cloud's voice, so full of caring and concern it made her stand there, motionless, looking over the edge but not jumping. Why wasn't she moving? It was right there, but instead of falling forward, Tifa turned around to look at her best friend. He had been lost to her long ago, and now all of a sudden he returned. Not now…she couldn't handle this now. Instead, she focused on the rain, her wrists, her last words on her arm..._Into the rainfall, end it all_.

"How does it feel to die, Cloud?"

Her back was once again to him, eyes wandering over the horizon. He did not respond, and soon she turned again to see his eyes clouded, thoughts unclear. Surely he remembered his last brush with death? He'd been sent back, not having a place yet in where ever it was he'd gone and now she started to wonder why. He clearly was doing the same since he was not talking, instead pondering over his existence.

"Is it painless? Or does it hurt?"

Again, silence as Tifa's words pierced through the fog of Cloud's mind. She was serious. He thought he found her in the bar unconscious by accident, but she was purposefully hurting herself. She wanted to die…but why? How could death be a better alternative than living? He was not the one to get her through this when he had debated this himself and her eyes were not helping, so thoughtful. He couldn't let her do this…

"I just want the pain and memories to go away. I need it all to just go away." Tifa said, thinking out loud more to herself than Cloud but he had heard her. She looked at her arm again, repeating her words like a mantra to get through this. The phrase wrapped around her so that she did not notice when he was standing right behind her.

"Into the rainfall, end it all… into the rainfall, end it all…into the rainfall, end it all…"

Tifa whispered something to herself and Cloud picked up the words when he came close to her, just behind her back, close enough to touch her, hold her, keep her from falling apart. After all the times she had saved him, it was time to save her in return.

"Teef, please…" He whispered into her hair and yet she didn't respond, instead chanting the words eerily over and over again.

"I love you."

That seemed to break through, or maybe it was his breath on her ear; whatever it was snapped her out of her reverie and back to the reality of this world. Slowly her little bubble started to shake, threatening to collapse and let everything around her in too fast. Cloud's nearness was evident around her, she could feel his pulse quicken through her imaginary bubble she couldn't think, couldn't breath. What was she doing? She needed to focus.

Cloud had said something…something she'd longed to hear for her entire life. Cloud Strife loved her? Cloud loved her…she couldn't process the thought. Tifa stood still on the roof, toes still over the edge and she watched the rain fall. All she could think of was the rain…into the rainfall, end it all. She wanted to end her life because she had nothing to live for. But if Cloud loved her…he couldn't love her, that would make her want to stay here and she didn't want that. Tifa Lockheart wanted to die, and that's what she planned on doing up here on this roof at this time and place with the heavens crying for her.

"Cloud, you can't love me." Her voice was barely above a whisper and the wind threatened to steal the words away before he heard.

"Why not?" His confusion was evident when he spoke and she felt something inside her want to run to him and tried to break free but she pushed it down. She needed to do this.

"You can't love me, because then I would have a reason to stay here. But I don't want to, Cloud. I don't want a reason to live. Don't you see?" Tifa calmly pleaded her case and raised her arms to him in demonstration.

Cloud's blue gaze widened slightly at the awe-inspiring sight of her arms glinting pale in the moonlight. The rain accented each design, each stroke she had taken with a razor and highlighted the leaves of ivy and intricate symbols that spread across her skin. He had seen something on her arms but not this, it had been too dark in the bar when he'd found her but now, he took it all in. His eyes fell onto the most detailed one it seemed as it stood out the most, one of a wolf with piercing eyes, eyes that could pull you in. Unconsciously his hand went to his left ear, fingering the wolf stud that had been there since his times before SOLDIER and JENOVA…his times spent with Tifa in their backyards at their well. It seemed so long ago and he didn't want to lose it, didn't want to lose _her_ again.

"Tifa." Cloud's voice broke through her determination and made her falter and his sudden touch did not help strengthen her resolve.

Tifa tried to take a deep breath in, tried not to focus on his hand on her arm but dizziness overcame her and she was off balance, threatening to go over the edge of the roof. Quickly Cloud was there for her, he was always there when it counted and she was suspended in the air, rain pelting her in the face as she looked up to see her hero holding on for dear life. He carefully pulled her up and she stood still, shock setting in right away like a death grip. Cloud held her shoulders and positioned her away from the edge, moving closer to the window. Her eyes were glazed over and she seemed to be off someplace else…he was losing her again.

"Tifa." He said urgently, locking his azure gaze with her dwindling auburn eyes.

"You're safe now. Nothing will hurt you. I'll always be here for you, Teef."

Her eyes gained some focus and finally found Cloud's mako enhanced orbs piercing hers, seeing through to her very heart and soul.

"You've hurt me…but then I hurt myself…to make the pain go away. It never goes away." Tifa spoke so calmly and yet her hands were shaking by her side, eyes threatening to release so many unshed tears. He looked at her then, really looked at her, and carefully pulled her closer, arms engulfing her small frame and resting his chin on her head. When had she become so fragile?

Cloud had always admired Tifa for her beauty, her smile, her intelligent eyes and graceful style, but something else always struck him about her. Tifa had the strongest will and more hope than anyone he had every met. He strived to learn these things from her, but he always felt hopelessly small next to her. Now there roles had been reversed, he was holding her together instead of falling apart and he would do all he could to keep her whole.

"Tifa, I never meant to hurt you. You are so special and I've never loved you more than right now."

His words surprised her and she lifted her face from his chest to look at him. "How is that possible?"

Cloud once again looked her in the eyes and said calmly "Because it shows me you are human, not some goddess I would never have a chance with."

Tifa smiled at him before it all sunk in, the rain, the roof, her arms. The designs blurred as her vision was filled with tears unshed, and the rain washed down her face, hopefully hiding them from Cloud. She loved him so much, and yet…

Before Tifa could think of what could go wrong, the consequences of being with him, Cloud's lips were on hers, sweet and secure. She let herself be wrapped in his warm embrace and drank him in, his mountain air scent and strawberry taste danced on her tongue with his.

Cloud drank her in deeply, tasting the strawberries and lilacs along with the the rain on her skin mixed with tears as she finally let go, her barriers down and letting him in.

She sank in his arms and he eased them down to the roof, Tifa in tears and Cloud cradling her in the constant falling rain. He would take care of her like she had always done for him. He was there to pick up the pieces of Tifa's broken world, they were two people with broken pasts but not futures, not if they learned this reason to live together. They would be each other's reason to live…and Cloud would always be there for her, like she was for him. It was well passed time they move from the memories into the future, making their lives worth while with love. It was forever to be, Cloud and Tifa.

_The hardest thing in this world…is just to live in it._

_The End_


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